Marriage: The Bedroom

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I held my breath when I published my last post. You never know how people are going to respond when you throw a topic like SEX into the mix. You came through and were amazingly gracious in your comments. Assuming you don't have free reign of the entire house (due to children, etc...) let's talk about the place in your home where the previous topic takes place.

Your inner sanctum, private retreat, place of escape: the Master Bedroom

Have you ever thought about the captain's quarters of a ship? In days of old, it was the best spot on the ship. Why? It was a place for him to step away from the crew, refresh, rest, and renew. He needed a place to get away so that he could be a great leader. It was also a perk of the job.

Do you have a place like that?

Many of us fall into the trap of using our master bedroom as a dumping ground. Laundry is usually the main culprit. Chaos leads to more chaos and before we know it, the master suite is the master pit.

Most of us would not allow the public rooms of our home to be the collect-all. Why would we allow the room that celebrates the very core of the family to become a heap?

Do the words haven, sanctuary, or retreat describe the condition of your master bedroom?

They should. Your marriage should be the number one priority of your home. The marriage room should reflect it.

Here is the challenge for the weekend:

Take time to clean out your bedroom.

Even if you have to pile it all in the family room, do it.

I bet the heap won't last long when your family has no where to sit to watch tv!

Get ALL of the clutter out. Your bedroom should say, "honey, you are the most important thing in this room, and our marriage deserves the choicest room of the house."

You may want to take it a step further. We did. After we de-cluttered, we decided to paint and get new bedding. I wanted our room to feel like a retreat. It has been well worth the investment. (I'll post before and after photos next week).

The clutter is gone, and every time I step into our room I give a contented sigh.

Yes, haven, retreat, and sanctuary are good words.

Marriage: Satisfied?

Warning: This post is rated LO (ladies only)

A few weeks ago I placed a little survey on my blog about marriage.The question posed was which do you struggle with the most 1) communication 2) intimacy 3) conflict over parenting styles. Each scored several points, but the winner of my unofficial survey was intimacy. This came as no surprise. Unfortunately, my husband and I have recently discovered the alarming number of marriages that are suffering greatly in the area of intimacy.

Ladies, I'm going to be very frank. Your man NEEDS to have sex. Hello, nothing like starting the day with a cup of coffee and a sentence like that! It is a physical/physiological need. God created him that way. Kind of like he created me with a need for chocolate. --Kidding! (Sort of)

Just like the body needs water to live, a marriage needs intimacy. Some days I don't drink enough water. Am I dying? No, but my lips are dry, my skin is rough and things don't ahem flow like they should. If I deprive myself of water for too long, then yes, I put myself in danger. Marriage without intimacy is the same way. If a man and woman are not sharing physical intimacy, then companionship is diminished and the protection against temptation is impaired. If the lack of intimacy continues, then it leaves an opening for something (or someone) to fill the void.

I love how Martha Peace puts it in her book The Excellent Wife:

"The word "satisfy" means to be satiated. In other words, the husband is so satiated with her love that no one else would even get a second glance. It would be like eating and eating until you were stuffed. If someone then offered you your favorite dessert, you would not even be tempted. Likewise, the husband is to be "satiated" with his wife's love."

The first time I read that passage, I was 9 months pregnant and remembered thinking, "I don't think my husband is satiated right now." :)

As with most things in marriage, we must be willing to put our spouse first and self second (within a context of healthy boundaries). Sure, there are many times when I don't feel like it, have the energy, much less the desire for physical intimacy. That's when I need to remember how important it is for my marriage.

Every couple is different when it comes to frequency. I once had a friend ask me how often they should be having sex. The mere fact that she was asking, was an indication that they 1) need to sit down and talk about it, during daylight hours 2) increase the frequency.

Are you withholding yourself from your husband?

Are you using physical intimacy as a "trump card"?

Think of intimacy as the best gift you can give him. Don't use it as a weapon. Ask God to help you see it as a gift rather than domestic drudgery.

Be creative.

Keep it frequent.

Enjoy.

Marriage: Baby Steps

I warned you last week during my bloggers block that this week would be a time of conversation. So get ready to leave a comment. :)

My sweet man and I are getting ready to celebrate 15 years of marriage in a few months. Yes, we were mere babes with barely a life lesson learned when we walked the aisle. Fortunately, we both said our vows with the intention of not only keeping them, but creating a marriage full of life and love. We didn't want a lukewarm marriage. We wanted one that was vibrant. Vitality requires work, but the benefits are worth it. Grant it, some years it took a lot more work than others.

There were times in our life (and I'm sure there are more to come) that we were just plain exhausted. Having 3 children 5 and under is enough to make anyone tired. Add a 4 month period of a bedridden husband and it's a recipe for disaster. Those are the moments that you just hang on. The decision we had to make before the storm came was whether we would cling to each other or allow the circumstances to sweep us away. We all have those times in our lives, and fortunately, they are the exception to the rule.

It's the daily living that really determines our marital character.

How are you doing on a daily basis? Are you making your marriage a priority? Are you a cheerful spouse or a complaining companion? Do you encourage more than you discourage?

I definitely have to give myself a check-up on these questions. I can fall into the trap of looking for the little nuances rather than celebrating the gift of life.

One of the greatest needs a man has is his need for respect. The way I speak to my husband, even when I disagree with him, must be respectful. It is not something that he must earn. I must choose to give it as a gift, expecting nothing in return. Hormones, frustration, and exhaustion are not justification to show disrespect. They are simply excuses to not show my love for him.

Have you ever been around someone who constantly berates her husband? Can you say awkward?! An interesting thing happens when this occurs. Her goal is to make him look bad, and in turn make herself look better, smarter, funnier, etc... When in fact, the opposite occurs. She is the one who looks the fool. I know 2 women who constantly belittle their husbands. Sometimes I just want to shout, "he's a good guy! Give him a break and ENJOY what you have!"

Before we go any further, I want to be clear about one thing. I know that many marriages come with a lot of baggage. I know that there can be years of pain and deep wounds that need to be healed. I'm not a marriage counselor, but I suggest you visit one. It's not something to be embarrassed about. If you are sick, you go see a doctor. The same principle applies. Get help.

My little blog entries about marriage are for the daily, baby steps it takes to reach the summit of a great marriage. I know it takes two to tango. You might be giving it all you've got, but you are feeling alone. That is valid, but you are not completely alone. The great Healer can mend even the broken hearted.

I want to encourage you today. Ask yourself this:

• Am I being the best spouse I can be?
• Am I making my marriage a priority?
• Am I respectful, loving and fun?
• What baby step can I take to get to the summit with a beautiful view?

Here is the question of the day (to answer in the comments):

What creative idea do you have that can be a baby step toward a vibrant, fun, fulfilling marriage? Just a baby step, we don't want a 12 step program. ;)

Stay with Me

I've been in a writer's funk, so this is my last ditch effort to keep things interesting for the week.

Apparently this blogger's block is sweeping the nation, from Arkansas, to Colorado, to the southeast.

Hang in there, I'm coming back with my game face on next week. Get ready for some good conversation. My friend Amber shared this meme so I'm going to take it, tweak it, and call it a day.

1. What is your name spelled backwards? gninrom yreve wen
2. What did you do last night? Had dinner with 9 other women at a friend's home. She cooked dinner for all of us, served us on her fine china, and gave us a space to step out of our mom roles and just be women for the night. {contented sigh}
3. What was the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? a pdf file of the latest remodeling project I am working on

4. Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery? What are we, 12?
5. When was the last time you swam in a pool? Last summer.
6. What are you wearing? My favorite Wilson sweatshirt and pink pajama pants
7. How many cars have you owned? Do you know my dad? Then you know I cannot help myself. 9 ~not including my husband's. It genetic.

8. What is the type of music you dislike most? It's a tie between gangsta rap and vibrato hymns. I am a dichotomy that I cannot explain.
9. Are you registered to vote? Um, yes. I also own guns and pay my taxes. God bless America

10. Do you have cable? No, satellite.
11. What kind of computer do you use? MacBook
12. Have you ever made a prank phone call? Hello? Is dis mista wing? Oh I musta wang the wong numba
13. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? ABSOLUTELY
14. What is the furthest place you ever traveled? Austria or Italy, whichever is further

15. What's your favorite comic strip? The one that comes in the Sunday paper wrapped around my precious coupons.
16. Do you know all of the words to the national anthem? Yes, I got a refresher during the Olympics (woot, woot).
17. Do you shower in the morning or at night? In the morning, assuming that I am getting dressed that day
18. What is your favorite pizza topping? Goat cheese and basil
19. Chips or popcorn? Kettle corn
20. What cell phone provider do you use? Verizon. And still waiting for Apple and AT&T to break up so I can keep up my love affair with Apple
21. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? Hunh? I've never smoked anything except sausage.
22. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Seriously? People think this is a point of virtue? Um, no.
23. Orange juice or apple juice? Cranberry, thankuverymuch
24. Who were the last people you sat at lunch with? Oh, you're supposed to SIT at lunch? I thought that's the time to run around the kitchen, check emails and do lesson plans for the afternoon.
25. Favorite chocolate bar? Dark chocolate with cranberries (on special occasions);
Take 5, Twix, or Dark Reeses any day ending in y.
26. Who is your oldest friend and how long have you known each other? I have remained pen pals (which has now evolved into facebook pals) with my friend Tammy from the time we were 4 years old. We haven't seen each other since 1st grade except for 1 visit when I was 13, but we still keep up and send Christmas cards.

Hugs, Tammy!!!

27. When was the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last summer...from my FIL's garden
28. Have you ever won a trophy? Didn't you hear? I won the Mother of the year trophy for missing all three of my children's yearly check-ups.

29. Favorite arcade game? Arcade? Hello 2010. How about favorite Wii game, or computer game? Webkinz Cash Cow. Hmm... maybe I should have answered the arcade question. The fact that I just confessed to playing a Webkinz game is so lame.
30. Ever ordered from an infomercial? Twice. Scrapbooking thingymajig, and a Pilates dvd set. Both are collecting dust, but I'm sure they changed my life somehow. :)

31. Sprite or 7-UP? Neither. Give me a peppermint mocha latte.
32. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work? Yes, to teach preschool. Hated the shirts, but loved the elimination of "what shall I wear today."

33. Last thing you bought at Walgreens? Milk and cold medication. I'm wild.
34. Ever thrown up in public? Does 342 front yards scattered throughout my city count? Pregnancy wasn't pretty.
35. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? I've found true love, which is priceless, but some $$$ wouldn't hurt right now.
36. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes. Have you seen this or this?
37. Spongebob or Jimmy Neutron? Neither. How about Laura or Mary? Hans or Chewy? Shawn or Gus?
38. Did you have long hair as a young kid? Yes, until I got the Dorothy Hammil cut. Then back to long tresses.
39. What message is on your voicemail? I have a message that my son left me last summer while I was out of town. Something about his little voice telling me that he loves me... just can't erase it.
40. Where would you like to go right now? Cayman Island with a good book.
41. What's the name of your pet? Rocko the dog, Doodle the duck, and Luna the bunny. Not to be confused with Lassie, Donald and Bugs.
42. What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it? Um, we homeschool?? But if I were back on the college campus, I think those messenger bags are sa-weet.
43. What kind of tennis shoes do you have? North Face... perfect arch support
44. Did you recently go to Ikea, Hobby Lobby and the library by yourself? Why, yes, yes I did.

May I Suggest...

Every parent should have a copy of this book, regardless of your venue of education. It is such a wealth of knowledge, specific to grade level. I wish that I had owned it when my oldest started kindergarten. It is easy to read and full of practical ideas, resources, and milestone markers. If anything, I encourage you to check it out at your local library. It is thick, but don't let that scare you off. It is broken down by age level.

Is your child learning to read? This book is a gem, especially if you are willing to cut it up. Yes, with scissors. Or you can spend $$ to make lots of copies. It's full of activities to strengthen foundational skills. I found mine at a book thrift store for $5, so I don't mind hacking it up. I highly recommend it for parents (even if you don't homeschool) of children between the ages 4-6. If you do homeschool, it fits nicely with Explode the Code and Bob books.

Enough educational stuff for today... lets have girl talk.

L'Oreal Extra Volume Hydra Collagen Plumping Mascara

Big name, big lashes, no flaking, washes easily. Love it.

I was in the grocery store not too long ago and I happened upon these bags:
They were in the "clearance" cart at the front of the store. Who knew you could find home decorating in the grocery store? These bags were huge, and I couldn't resist this price:
$3.75 for the entire bag. I've seen single decorative balls for that price, but I got 14! Woot, woot! It was like a little present waiting for me among the Metamucil and Dentyne.

What's the strangest thing you've ever bought at the grocery store? (Super Target and Walmart don't count)

**Stomach bug is still hanging out around here... maybe that's why I don't have any foodies on my list today. ;)

Bleh

I try to keep NEM upbeat and positive, but I also want to be transparent and real.

So.............. bleh.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here, but my life has been consumed with homeschool, couponing, travel, bunnies, major renovation projects, parenting highs and lows, meetings, and last but not least, a child with the stomach bug. Sigh.

Just wanted to give you a shout out and let you know that you're on my mind and I'm praying for you today.

HUGS!!!!

Sunday Rest

I will refresh the weary

and satisfy the faint.

Jeremiah 31:25