Making His Dreams My Own

 If you had asked me 5 years ago about my husband's hopes and dreams the answer would have been very different from my answer today.  Five years ago, we were in the midst of a storm and dreams didn't seem all that important.
But everyone deserves to dream a little.
About a year and a half ago my man started talking chickens.
Chickens were about the last thing on my list of dreams.  Literally.
I bucked it at first, but then I realized that this was the first time he had ever truly expressed a dream with boyish giddiness.

Was I willing to shoot it down just because I was worried about the disapproval of others?
I balked at first, too eager to please other family members over my own husband.

Then one night the Lord and I had a heart-to-heart chat.
Who did He call me to serve?
Who did He give me as a mate?
Had my husband ever balked at any of my dreams?  No, he's always done everything in his power to make my own dreams happen; even at the sacrifice of his own desires.

So I said yes.
Then I had to say it with a good attitude and wild abandon.  (Still working on the wild abandon part, but I'm getting there)

Did I allow a little of myself to die by saying yes to his dream?  Surprisingly, no!
I find myself delighted in his joy.
Do I love chickens?  Not as much as he does, but I'm learning.

After all, it's not about the chickens.  It's about allowing his dream to become my own, which then makes them our dreams.

Does your spouse have a dream for you to discover?  I challenge you to hunt for it and then join the adventure.  You may look back in 5 years and giggle a little.  :)

ABC's of Marriage

This list was recently shared at a bridal shower I attended. It is a great list for all married women. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

A May your ADMIRATION of him be spoken both to him and in the company of others

B BUILD each other up

C Keep CHRIST as the CENTER of your marriage

D DELIGHT in each other and be DEVOTED

E ENCOURAGE each other. Be his biggest cheerleader.

F FAITH is the key that keeps you together in the storms of life. FORGIVENESS.

G GIVE unselfishly with reckless abandon to the one you love. Be GENTLE enough to need his protection.

H HELP each other be all you can be

I INITIATE healing a misunderstanding

J JESUS is the sweetest name in times of trouble. Call His name and pour your heart out to Him.

K May your opinion always be spoken in KINDNESS

L Keeping the LOVE alive is a lifetime assignment. Remember that LOVE is a choice, not a feeling.

M MANAGE your time so that he will always be your first priority, even after children

N NURTURE a truly good relationship. This means lots of time, effort and energy.

O OVERLOOK an offense and surprise him with an unselfish act of love

P PRAYER and PATIENCE are the two key pillars to a solid marriage

Q Be QUICK to forgive and QUICK to ask forgiveness

R RESPECT your man. RESIST REVENGE.

S SUPPORT him with words of encouragement and be willing to SACRIFICE for him.

T Be TENDERHEARTED and TRUSTWORTHY

U Be UNSELFISH and UNDERSTANDING

V VALUE each other. Remember men are VISUAL and do your best to look good for him.

W WAIT patiently for the Lord to intervene.

X Desire to be a woman of EXCELLENCE

Y YIELD to him and the Lord will honor you for it.

Z Be ZEALOUS to make your life with him all that you dreamed it could be

Marriage: Celebrating the Differences

photo credit

He's tall, I'm short.

He loves Mt. Dew, I hate it.

I love coffee, he can't stand the smell.

He loves all things rugged.

I love all things domestic.

It's humorous. Most days.

I haven't always found the humor in our differences. I used to harbor it against him. I used to want him to change. Then I realized that my desire for him to change assumed that I was right and he was wrong. Oh, that stubborn pride.

Has anything changed to make it better?

Yes. My attitude.

I still don't understand the glory of camouflage, but I'm learning to appreciate his taste... because it is HIS taste.

Why would I make a battle over something that could be celebrated?

Make a game of it.

Not too long ago I kept finding Mt. Dew bottle caps in my glass jar. My glass jar. Doesn't he know that glass jars for for pretty things like eggs, shells, and fall foliage? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Rather than making it an issue, we chose to make a game of it. We started hiding the bottle caps in various places for the other to discover: in my toothbrush drawer, in his shoe (that might have been a little painful), on my dashboard, in his sock bin, on the bathroom ceiling (I told him that wasn't fair because I can't reach that high.) It was a silly game, but it was better than getting annoyed.

My husband recently got a new phone and I lovingly set his wallpaper for him: a picture of my Starbucks cup. Needless to say, it didn't stay on his phone for very long, but we both got a chuckle over it.

I've learned to lighten up, and enjoy him for who he is (and all of his cute little quirks).

I'm choosing to celebrate our differences, rather than allow them to become lines drawn in the sand of a battle field.

What are some differences between you and your spouse that are humorous?

Do you have a fun "I love you" game that you share?

Do tell!

Marriage: The Bedroom

photo credit

I held my breath when I published my last post. You never know how people are going to respond when you throw a topic like SEX into the mix. You came through and were amazingly gracious in your comments. Assuming you don't have free reign of the entire house (due to children, etc...) let's talk about the place in your home where the previous topic takes place.

Your inner sanctum, private retreat, place of escape: the Master Bedroom

Have you ever thought about the captain's quarters of a ship? In days of old, it was the best spot on the ship. Why? It was a place for him to step away from the crew, refresh, rest, and renew. He needed a place to get away so that he could be a great leader. It was also a perk of the job.

Do you have a place like that?

Many of us fall into the trap of using our master bedroom as a dumping ground. Laundry is usually the main culprit. Chaos leads to more chaos and before we know it, the master suite is the master pit.

Most of us would not allow the public rooms of our home to be the collect-all. Why would we allow the room that celebrates the very core of the family to become a heap?

Do the words haven, sanctuary, or retreat describe the condition of your master bedroom?

They should. Your marriage should be the number one priority of your home. The marriage room should reflect it.

Here is the challenge for the weekend:

Take time to clean out your bedroom.

Even if you have to pile it all in the family room, do it.

I bet the heap won't last long when your family has no where to sit to watch tv!

Get ALL of the clutter out. Your bedroom should say, "honey, you are the most important thing in this room, and our marriage deserves the choicest room of the house."

You may want to take it a step further. We did. After we de-cluttered, we decided to paint and get new bedding. I wanted our room to feel like a retreat. It has been well worth the investment. (I'll post before and after photos next week).

The clutter is gone, and every time I step into our room I give a contented sigh.

Yes, haven, retreat, and sanctuary are good words.

Marriage: Satisfied?

Warning: This post is rated LO (ladies only)

A few weeks ago I placed a little survey on my blog about marriage.The question posed was which do you struggle with the most 1) communication 2) intimacy 3) conflict over parenting styles. Each scored several points, but the winner of my unofficial survey was intimacy. This came as no surprise. Unfortunately, my husband and I have recently discovered the alarming number of marriages that are suffering greatly in the area of intimacy.

Ladies, I'm going to be very frank. Your man NEEDS to have sex. Hello, nothing like starting the day with a cup of coffee and a sentence like that! It is a physical/physiological need. God created him that way. Kind of like he created me with a need for chocolate. --Kidding! (Sort of)

Just like the body needs water to live, a marriage needs intimacy. Some days I don't drink enough water. Am I dying? No, but my lips are dry, my skin is rough and things don't ahem flow like they should. If I deprive myself of water for too long, then yes, I put myself in danger. Marriage without intimacy is the same way. If a man and woman are not sharing physical intimacy, then companionship is diminished and the protection against temptation is impaired. If the lack of intimacy continues, then it leaves an opening for something (or someone) to fill the void.

I love how Martha Peace puts it in her book The Excellent Wife:

"The word "satisfy" means to be satiated. In other words, the husband is so satiated with her love that no one else would even get a second glance. It would be like eating and eating until you were stuffed. If someone then offered you your favorite dessert, you would not even be tempted. Likewise, the husband is to be "satiated" with his wife's love."

The first time I read that passage, I was 9 months pregnant and remembered thinking, "I don't think my husband is satiated right now." :)

As with most things in marriage, we must be willing to put our spouse first and self second (within a context of healthy boundaries). Sure, there are many times when I don't feel like it, have the energy, much less the desire for physical intimacy. That's when I need to remember how important it is for my marriage.

Every couple is different when it comes to frequency. I once had a friend ask me how often they should be having sex. The mere fact that she was asking, was an indication that they 1) need to sit down and talk about it, during daylight hours 2) increase the frequency.

Are you withholding yourself from your husband?

Are you using physical intimacy as a "trump card"?

Think of intimacy as the best gift you can give him. Don't use it as a weapon. Ask God to help you see it as a gift rather than domestic drudgery.

Be creative.

Keep it frequent.

Enjoy.

Marriage: Baby Steps

I warned you last week during my bloggers block that this week would be a time of conversation. So get ready to leave a comment. :)

My sweet man and I are getting ready to celebrate 15 years of marriage in a few months. Yes, we were mere babes with barely a life lesson learned when we walked the aisle. Fortunately, we both said our vows with the intention of not only keeping them, but creating a marriage full of life and love. We didn't want a lukewarm marriage. We wanted one that was vibrant. Vitality requires work, but the benefits are worth it. Grant it, some years it took a lot more work than others.

There were times in our life (and I'm sure there are more to come) that we were just plain exhausted. Having 3 children 5 and under is enough to make anyone tired. Add a 4 month period of a bedridden husband and it's a recipe for disaster. Those are the moments that you just hang on. The decision we had to make before the storm came was whether we would cling to each other or allow the circumstances to sweep us away. We all have those times in our lives, and fortunately, they are the exception to the rule.

It's the daily living that really determines our marital character.

How are you doing on a daily basis? Are you making your marriage a priority? Are you a cheerful spouse or a complaining companion? Do you encourage more than you discourage?

I definitely have to give myself a check-up on these questions. I can fall into the trap of looking for the little nuances rather than celebrating the gift of life.

One of the greatest needs a man has is his need for respect. The way I speak to my husband, even when I disagree with him, must be respectful. It is not something that he must earn. I must choose to give it as a gift, expecting nothing in return. Hormones, frustration, and exhaustion are not justification to show disrespect. They are simply excuses to not show my love for him.

Have you ever been around someone who constantly berates her husband? Can you say awkward?! An interesting thing happens when this occurs. Her goal is to make him look bad, and in turn make herself look better, smarter, funnier, etc... When in fact, the opposite occurs. She is the one who looks the fool. I know 2 women who constantly belittle their husbands. Sometimes I just want to shout, "he's a good guy! Give him a break and ENJOY what you have!"

Before we go any further, I want to be clear about one thing. I know that many marriages come with a lot of baggage. I know that there can be years of pain and deep wounds that need to be healed. I'm not a marriage counselor, but I suggest you visit one. It's not something to be embarrassed about. If you are sick, you go see a doctor. The same principle applies. Get help.

My little blog entries about marriage are for the daily, baby steps it takes to reach the summit of a great marriage. I know it takes two to tango. You might be giving it all you've got, but you are feeling alone. That is valid, but you are not completely alone. The great Healer can mend even the broken hearted.

I want to encourage you today. Ask yourself this:

• Am I being the best spouse I can be?
• Am I making my marriage a priority?
• Am I respectful, loving and fun?
• What baby step can I take to get to the summit with a beautiful view?

Here is the question of the day (to answer in the comments):

What creative idea do you have that can be a baby step toward a vibrant, fun, fulfilling marriage? Just a baby step, we don't want a 12 step program. ;)

Why I Love Him

I'd like to introduce you to the man of my life. I know you've already seen his crafty side (here, here, and here). I'm sure he'll love the fact that I labeled him as crafty. Crafty. Not Girly.

In fact, my hubby is anything but girly. A man's man. A good ol' boy who loves to hunt and grub with the best of them. You get the picture.

(Let's all take a moment and acknowledge the elephant in the room: yes, I know I look like ghost next to his dark, summer tan... just call me Casper)

On the inside of that tough exterior, he's a softy. He treats me like a queen. Every. day.

Even on days when I call him in tears because I may or may not have put a scratch on the car at the horse farm. Even on days when I paint half of a room to surprise him, only to find that he has to finish the job. Even on days when he has worked so hard in the hot July sun and I've been at home in the nice cool air conditioning. Even on days when we have mac-n-cheese for dinner. Again.

He has a gift of patience that I will never understand. Which brings me back to the whole scratch on the car thing. Yesterday, I was on my way to drop our daughter off at riding lessons when the little 'incident' occurred. It is a long, winding gravel road wide enough for only one vehicle. Usually, we meet no one on that road. Yesterday was a different story. There was a vehicle behind me and as we came around a bend, we met another vehicle approaching from the opposite direction. Sheesh! Traffic these days!

So rather than the approaching vehicle backing up 20 feet, the guy behind me and I had to back up 100 feet. Let's just say I was distracted by the pile of old boards with rusty nails to my left, the pushy car in front of me, and the guy behind me, that I didn't notice the wire fence to my right. Which, as small as it is, can do some nasty damage to a fine red paint job.

Being the first time I have EVER messed up a car, I was quite torn up about it. Hence, the phone call in tears to my man. He didn't get mad. He didn't even sigh. He just said, "It's O-kay! As long as everyone is safe, it's okay." No guilt trip. No frustration in his voice. Just, "things happen, don't worry about it."

Once again, I was reminded why I love this man!